i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
