two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
