i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
