i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
