i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
