A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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