how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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