I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Randomize