I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
