Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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