I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
