Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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