i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I need moral support for this bender
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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