I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
