I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
