i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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