I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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