So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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