we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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