he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You ruined the universe
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
