I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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