Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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