and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize