i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
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