whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
