I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
