Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
