you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
