why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
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