Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
