Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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