Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
false alarm, still single
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
