Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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