get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
