This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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