The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I puked a lego.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
