hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
