it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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