I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
