Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
