I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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