I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
