i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
