maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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