fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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