I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
