You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
