I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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