My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
