I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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