Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
