She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
They have beer where we have blood.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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