Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
