she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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