How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
