We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
