got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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